The art of asking for help

11 Thursday Dec 2014

Posted by Lisa Pote in Bravery, Change, Help

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“Help me.” “A little help, please?” “Can you help me with this?”

This is what asking for help looks like. But how many of us do so willingly? Or rather, how many of us ask for help before we’re drowning? If, like me, you take on more than you can handle and have a hard time asking for help, there is help for you.

I have a very dear friend who is way overbooked, a “Go it alone” person. As a result, her life is, basically, hell. She is frazzled, cranky, unhappy, on the run, out of shape, out of breath… you get the idea. Yet when I tell her to ask me for help as needed, she blows me off, forges on. Brushes past my offer with an impatient, “I’m okay.” Even my noticing that she might need help is offensive to her.

I love the girl to death, but also worry for her peace of mind. I would bet that if you’re not asking for help, someone is probably worried about you, too. It’s always easier to see that behavior in someone else than it is to see it in ourselves, let alone correct the problem.

I’ve done a little surveying of why people don’t ask for help, and here’s what I heard:

We think asking for help makes us look needy.
We hate to inconvenience someone else.
We have deluded ourselves into thinking we can get it done.
Our work ethic doesn’t recognize the value of receiving help.
We have control issues.

Both the “Bootstrap” thing and the challenge with control issues are really confronting for me. I am a self-starter, proud and independent; I have a hard time trusting someone else with an important task, or when a timeline is involved. Giving things over to others is next to impossible to me, even when I am obviously overburdened.

No one likes to admit they need help, which is why doing so is such a brave act. To move forward, we need the courage to let go of the “Story” of what it means to ask for help, the “I’m weak and incompetent” story. It’s so, so hard for those of us independent-minded folks.

How, then, when we are so conditioned to go it alone, do we ask for help? Here are some tips for asking for help:

First acknowledge that you need help.
Picture what will happen if you don’t ask for help NOW (e.g.: your disappointed coworkers faces if you drop the ball).
Identify a trusted person who you know won’t judge you.
Remember that people LIKE to be asked for help, and you are honoring your relationship with them by doing so.

I dug around a bit and found a resource in the wonderful Brene Brown’s 2008 blog post, “Confront me if I don’t ask for help.” . Knowing she was overwhelmed, she created an “I know things are bad when” list, full of signs so unavoidable that she was overdoing it that even she knew when she had to ask for help. A great idea and very doable.

First and foremost, pay attention to your mindset. Instead of beating yourself up about needing help, congratulate yourself. Admitting you need others is a strength, not a weakness, and embracing this new way of being is a major step in a more productive, centered life.

If I can help you at all, I hope you’ll ask me. We are all in this together, and the “Brave Community” that we are calls all of us to lean on each other now and then.

Be brave. Admit your need. Ask for help.

The art of saying “No.”

04 Thursday Dec 2014

Posted by Lisa Pote in Bravery, Courage, Time Management

≈ 3 Comments

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bravery, Change, choices

Raise your hand if you’re too busy. If you’re an “Uber-doer”, and multi-tasking is a way of life. If you are perhaps reading this blog while reviewing your to-do list and/or thinking about your day’s schedule.

One reason you are too busy may be that you can’t say “No”. If so, I feel your pain. I, too, am an uber-doer. It’s been me wide awake at 3 in the morning after remembering that I was supposed to bring snacks to my kids’ classrooms in 5 hours with no brownie mix in sight. Chances are you were probably awake, too, wondering how you were going to hit a pressing deadline.

It’s a miserable feeling, right? How in the world did we get here? Why can’t we say “No”?

We think we can do it, even when we know how busy we are.
We’re afraid that saying “No” will make us look bad.
We feel it’s important and worry that it won’t happen if we don’t do it.
We think we don’t have a choice.

It’s also quite possible we like being that busy guy/girl. Society has informally labeled “Busy” as “Good,” so we think that the busier we are, the more invaluable we are. This, of course, is flawed thought, obvious the moment we drop the ball.

Beware the barrenness of a busy life.

Socrates

What kind of life do we have when must-dos outnumber want-to-dos? An unhappy one. The costs are numerous. “Too busy” gets old fast; it’s mentally, emotionally and physically exhausting. And because we are human, we are going to mess up, and so are bound to disappoint others and ourselves.

If any of these costs feel familiar to you, it’s time for a change. As you know, change requires bravery, especially if you are afraid of looking bad or letting someone down.

Here are some ideas to manage your way to “No”:

Reframe your “Busy is good” mindset and focus on quality over quantity.
Be honest with yourself and release those tasks that aren’t doable before they become a problem.
Give yourself permission to complete the tasks already on your plate before taking on something new.
Evaluate new opportunities in terms of what you can really do.
Then, say “No” as needed.

If you are worried about turning someone down, soften your response. Say that you’ll do it another time, to indicate that you really do want to help. Offer to take a small, manageable piece. You’d be surprised how easy it is to find the right words, but if you can’t, say “No” anyway. You’ll notice that while people may not like it, they really will understand.

Don’t be afraid to a stand for yourself and the kind of life you want to have. The things you have to do will always be there, but saying “No” will give you the freedom to pick and choose the things you really want to do, as well.

Let me know how it goes. None of this is easy work, but if you share your stories, you will help others in our “Brave Community” tackle the difficult challenges they face.

Be brave. Choose your life. Just say “No.”

The art of “The Stretch”

20 Thursday Nov 2014

Posted by Lisa Pote in Bravery, Change, Courage, growth

≈ 1 Comment

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bravery, Change, growth

Today, bravery looks like making a stretch.

When was the last time you tried something new? I mean really new. The kind of new that felt so foreign that you might as well have been jumping out of a plane. If you can’t remember it, you’re long past due.

What are you waiting for?

Most of us are victims of the mundane. Life is busy, but an often unchallenging routine holds little in the way of surprise or growth. This comfortable life is easy and familiar, but in many ways also restricts us. Comfort, in its way, is a trap. The result: we don’t know what we’re truly capable of.

Stretching beyond the norm makes us ache, pushes us, makes us think, causes us to stumble. We are tested and reminded that we are MORE, can be MORE. If this is true, why don’t we stretch more often?

We’re afraid to try something new for fear of “Failure.”
We don’t realize we’ve gotten into a rut.
We don’t want to look stupid/like a beginner.
We are rewarded for who we are, and thus don’t feel a need to stretch.

We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty.

Maya Angelou

To break with comfort requires bravery. To risk looking foolish? Bravery. To redefine our lives through challenge? Bravery, most definitely.

I mentioned parachuting out of a plane, but any stretch is still a stretch. For example, until recently, I hadn’t driven in New York City. Years of harrowing cab rides had me fearing for my life in my own car. This summer, tired of being afraid, I planned my trip in.

I was beyond nervous as I approached the Lincoln Tunnel. Ok, I was freaking out. And praying. But when I noticed the other drivers making their way into the tunnel I realized something really important:

One person’s first time is another person’s normal.

There really is a first time for everything, and this was mine. Yes, it was an awkward moment, as most firsts are. Once in the tunnel, I was fine, and as I drove out and into the city, I was feeling pretty damn accomplished. A new, brave “Me.”

So what is the one thing you’d like to try but never have? What is your “Lincoln Tunnel?”

The not so dreaded Lincoln Tunnel

Here are some tips to remove whatever barriers stand between you and your new experience:

Identify something doable. You are more likely to tackle it.
Ask a friend to help. Having support will ease your way.
Remember that “Just doing it” is an accomplishment. Anything else that happens is a bonus.
Channel the courage of your inner child. We weren’t nearly as fearful when we were kids.

And when you are done? CELEBRATE! Trust me when I say that joy outweighs fear when you take on something new. The pride, the redefinition of who you are and realization of what you are capable of is enormous.

Let me hear what you are up to, and how it is changing you. You are not alone in your fears, and you will find support here in our Brave Community.

Be brave. Give it a shot. Make the stretch.