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~ What Bravery Looks Like Today

Lisa Pote

Category Archives: Relationships

The art of forgiveness

30 Thursday Oct 2014

Posted by Lisa Pote in Bravery, Dating, Relationships

≈ 3 Comments

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bravery, forgiveness, relationships

Forgiveness... (1)

Today, bravery looks like forgiveness.

What is it about forgiveness that makes it so difficult?  I’m not talking about saying, “I’m sorry”… to me, apologizing is easy (for anyone who is willing to admit they’ve done something wrong).  But asking for forgiveness, and actually forgiving someone, pushes us way out of our comfort zone.

Forgiveness, the real kind, gives both the offender and offend-ee an opportunity to get complete; to clean up any emotional unfinished business and move on with a clean slate. Conversely, if we don’t ask for or grant forgiveness we stay connected to an unsuccessful moment.  It’s hard to move forward when niggling resentment is a constant presence.

So… what stops us from engaging in forgiveness in a healthy way?  Here’s my (very remedial) take on a healthy  “Forgiveness loop”:

  • Someone does something wrong,
  • they then apologize,
  • they then ask the offended party for forgiveness,
  • they then are granted forgiveness,
  • then both parties move on.

Anyone who has been forgiven can speak to an improved connection with the person they hurt, and those that forgive are brought a sense of peace that hearing “I’m sorry” doesn’t give.

Here’s the more typical, unsuccessful model:

  • Someone does something wrong,
  • they’re guilt-tripped into apologizing,
  • they say “I’m sorry” (when they don’t mean it) and then
  • both parties pretend all is fine but carry resentment forward into the next interaction.

Wow!  Really… how awful is that.

You’ve been there, right? That moment when you’ve heard “I’m sorry”, then someone mumbles, “That’s ok,” and each person walked away thinking, “Oh sure, like he/she was sorry. I don’t think so”. And right there, that moment is the birth of unfinished business, or the stuff that haunts the relationship.  There’s a difference between “That’s ok” and true forgiveness.

“The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.”
― Mahatma Gandhi, All Men are Brothers: Autobiographical Reflections

Why, then, when it feels so good to forgive/be forgiven so difficult?  I think it’s because both asking for and granting forgiveness makes us vulnerable, and being vulnerable is a hard place to be.

If you ask for forgiveness, you risk hearing “No.” You are literally hanging out there in a state of insecurity, waiting for someone that you care about to release you, redefine your relationship moving forward.  If you grant it, you are agreeing to release any resentment or anger you have about the person or their actions. Some of us would rather hang on to resentment… there is some power there, especially when we’ve been hurt.  But the healthier exchange frees everyone involved to move on.

As we’ve previously discussed, bravery is present when we intentionally move into a vulnerable space to make great things happen.  Forgiving/asking for forgiveness requires a brave heart and a willingness to put yourself at risk.  But transformation happens in that space, as relationships can be transformed by this single act.

I’d love to hear from you and about your own journey in forgiving/asking for forgiveness.  As always your willingness to share will strengthen our “Brave community.”

Be brave, lean into discomfort, engage in forgiveness.

The art of being willing to love

09 Thursday Oct 2014

Posted by Lisa Pote in Bravery, Courage, Dating, Love, Relationships

≈ 2 Comments

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bravery, trust

I'm For Love

Today, bravery looks like being willing to love.  

With my oldest son’s wedding this weekend, I have “Love” on the brain.  And have decided that loving, really giving our hearts to another person, is perhaps one of the bravest things we can do.

I am an incurable romantic.  Though surprisingly single at 54, I have had the fortune to know love in many forms. The new, so big-that-it-overflows-your-heart, fiercely hopeful for great things, can’t breathe for thinking of another person kind of love.  The steady, sharing a quiet space when no words are necessary, reaching for each other’s hands at the same time kind of love.  Oh yes, I’m a very big fan of love.

Having re-entered the dating scene for the first time since the birth of MTV, I’ve had a LOT of lessons.  The one that stands out with the advent of my son’s marriage is this: Dating is easy… love is hard. Tweet This

Why is that?  What makes love so hard?

If we do it right, love makes us vulnerable.  We put our welfare in the hands of another, and have to trust that they will treat it, and us, with respect, kindness and care.  Trusting like that can be very difficult.

Madonna To be brave is to love someone unconditionally, without expecting anything in return. To just give. That takes courage; because we don’t want to fall on our faces or leave ourselves open to hurt.

Love is also messy. Let’s face it… most single people have control issues of one kind or another, and we design our lives to fit our own solitary needs. No compromise is necessary when we live alone. When someone matters, we need to shift away from our perfectly ordered lives to make space for them and their habits and needs.  This can be uncomfortable, and for some, frightening.

Maybe hardest of all is that love is risky. As much as we wish it otherwise, we have zero control over the outcome of romance. We might not be loved back.  We might lose the person we care about so greatly. This is where the pain lives, and scares people away from really putting their hearts on the line.

We have talked before about how a leap of faith can lead to transformation. That in stepping off of the ledge of what we know creates a space for the most amazing things to happen.  This is never more true than with love.  Loving regardless of the risk of self and possible pain takes courage, and a willingness to understand that the greater return is worth any risk of the heart. If we let go, I believe we can find the big love we are looking for, and more.

IMG_6756

What love looks like on Ben and Pilar

I have great hope for my son and daughter-in-law to be. When I look at them, I see that love lives.  The Beatles sang, All You Need Is Love.  And while love may not be all they need, it really is a damn good start.

I hope you’ll share your stories of your own bravery in love.  It’s such a tenuous, wonderful thing.  Your story will contribute to the hope we are building as a brave community.

Be brave. Be unafraid. Go love.

The art of knowing when to say “When”

24 Wednesday Sep 2014

Posted by Lisa Pote in Bravery, Change, Courage, Creativity, Process, Relationships

≈ 2 Comments

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bravery

knowing_when_to_when

Sometimes, bravery looks like knowing when to say, “When.”

I am fortunate to have many artists in my life.  These are creative talents with a wide range of specialties and equally diverse styles and creative processes.  Some jump right into creating without much concern for the end product, while others mull over what they want to create until they are ready enough to dive in.

Regardless of these creative process differences, they share one element of bravery in common~ the courageous act of letting go when something is not working. 

I recently met Klina, a quilt artist, and got a chance to see a magnificent king-sized comforter that she was completing for her son.  It was a brilliant reflection of her artistic gift, where craft meets skill meets imagination; really, it was such a gorgeous work of art.  After two years, she was finally close to being finished.  Looking the comforter over, it occurred to me that when working on something with such breadth, there had to be plenty of opportunities to lose interest, perhaps “hit a wall” and put the work aside.  It seemed to me to take a LOT of bravery to fight through those opportunities to procrastinate and stick with it to completion. 

When I told her I was writing about everyday bravery, instead of going down the path of “Being brave is fighting through the urge to get pulled off task”, Klina took me to, “Bravery is the courage to stop when something’s not working.” Tweet This

There is a moment that every artist faces,” she explained, “when we have to say “When.” You reach a point where you know it’s not working, and as much time, effort and pieces of yourself you’ve put into the project, you have to stop and put it away. 

It was obviously a painful subject for Klina.  I could see it in her face, as she so clearly saw her art as investments of herself; saying “When” to a project was tantamount to passing a judgment of “You’re not good enough,” and near heartbreaking for her.

The pain of putting aside something we’ve invested in personally is very familiar to me, as it would be to anyone that has lived a life.  How often are we confronted by things/people/experiences that are wrong for us and feel a growing need to say, “When?” 

I had a job in my late 20s as an administrative assistant in the Human Resources department of a large company. While I excelled in the “Human” aspects of the work, I was beyond inept at the administrative tasks.  I’m not being hard on myself, honest… they are probably still looking for documents I misfiled some 25 years ago. The job lasted a very long, awful year, and served as a great lesson in “Goodness of fit” or the lack thereof.

I am not sure if it was worse for me, taking a beating to my ego with every problem I caused, or my manager, who was confronted on an almost daily basis by the ramifications of my mistakes.  We all knew I was wrong for the job, that I needed to leave, but like my quilter friend, I could only see leaving as “Failure”. When I finally did give my notice it was a relief for everyone involved.

Why did it take me a year to leave when I awoke almost every one of those 365 mornings iso unhappy? Let’s see if these reasons sound familiar to you. Reason 1: It’s not in my DNA to quit, and I perceived leaving as a “Failure.” Reason 2: I am an optimist’s optimist and thought that things could and would change, even with mounting evidence to the contrary. Reason 3: I had completely lost touch with what great, engaging work felt like.  I had normalized a mediocre situation and while it was awful, chose the comfort of that mediocracy over risk.  In hindsight, none of these were reason enough for me to stay, but I did, even when all signs pointed “Out”.  

The courage to say “When” requires us to stand for ourselves and what we want. To move forward, we need to put “Us” at the center, and redirect our efforts regardless of how much we’ve invested.  Recognize that putting a stop to something is not “Failure” but turning strength into action. Ultimately, this single act of bravery, of saying “When,” can propel us forward beyond where holding on and trying to make it work ever could.

20140907_165725The good news? Possibility birthed out of loss. Back to Klina, pictured here with her remarkable finished quilt.  She told me that sometimes an end is not an end, but a part of an ongoing process.  Sometimes, the things we put aside because they’re not working for us can be repurposed, reopened in the future and approached in a brand new way.  I like that idea, as I think that even when we let go, we can keep the lessons inside of us to inform our work, our lives, and our relationships for the better.  Not failure, not wrong, just not right for us right now.

Does any of this feel familiar to you?  Take a moment to share your stories about your own brave acts that have moved your lives forward.

Be brave, let go, say “When”.

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